The Adventures of 3 Abnormal Witches at Hogwarts
by DreamWithoutFear
Summary: Year Four of Hogwarts is going to be great for the three best friends Jackie, Sarah, and Lydia overcoming one magical endeavor at a time. PLEASE REVIEW! WE WANT INPUT!
1. Chapter 1

*Writer's Note: This is set in Year 4 at Hogwats. Also, any sort of racist or homophobic remark we have made here should not be taken seriously. We are just three fans that are silly and sarcastic and enjoy making stupid jokes. We obviously do not own anything except for Jackie, Lydia, and Sarah. All other credit goes to the genius that is J.K. Rowling. Enjoy?

Three very unlikely friends with three very unfortunate traits: alone, they had little to no chance of survival, but together, they could conquer the world, one magical endeavor at a time.

Our tale begins in a community in England of magical witches and wizards, unfortunately titled Gypsyland. Perhaps under different circumstances, these three friends might never had met, but they were the children of members of a magical, traveling circus troupe, in which the three formed bonds with each other that could never be broken; no homo (not that we're against gay people or anything, in fact, one of them might be slightly lesbian for Ginny Weasley . More about that later).

A thud was heard in the loft in which Sarah, Jackie, and Lydia slept. Their triple-tiered bunk-bed proved to be a slight safety hazard to Sarah, who tried to sleep on the top bunk, but often rolled onto the floor by morning. This thud had woken all the girls up: they had been sleeping lightly, for the next morning they would be retuning to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.

"Bloody hell, Sarah, everyday with the falling on top of Jackie, then me, then the floor." Lydia whined, in a half-grumble, half-yawn.

"You guys didn't want the top bunk!" Sarah tried to reason not being able to receive sympathy from Lydia or Jackie. Their alarm started to go off at that moment, playing the song 'Nice Guys'.

"Jackie, I HATE you for picking this song; you're never picking the alarm song again." Lydia grumbled, again.

"Nice guys finish last, that's why I'll treat you like trash!-"She sang, even further pushing Lydia's patience. Sarah continued to lie on the floor, in a heap.

"Girls, are you waking up? It's time for breakfast!"

The girls slowly made their way downstairs and saw Lydia's parents with somber looks on their faces and they immediately knew something was up because her parents are clowns. Literally.

"Girls we have something to tell you…" started Lydia's dad with tears glistening in his eyes. " This morning in an impromptu rehearsal, Jackie and Sarah's parents died in a tragic aerial/fire accident."

All three girls looked stunned; Jackie was the first to break the silence with her wailing.

"This must be karma for telling Moaning Myrtle I could take her into the afterlife safely because I was a ghost whisperer", cried Jackie.

"I know it's horrible, what's even sadder is… THEY'RE NOT DEAD!" laughed Lydia's parents. "We mad the whole thing up, funny joke, huh?"

"I thought clowns were supposed to make you happy," whined Sarah. "You guys just crushed my life in one sentence."

"Wow guys you should definitely put this in your act because you know making innocent little girls cry is exactly what children go to the circus for," Lydia said in her sassiest tone. "Alright I'm over this. Let's get ready for school guys." Lydia rolled her eyes, leading her friends back to their bedroom.

Three hours, a couple near-fateful slips in the shower for Sarah, and one ride to the train station later, the girls were standing at platform 9 ¾.

"It's always the same," smiled Sarah.

"I'm still scared," Jackie whimpered.

"I STILL don't understand your irrational fear," Lydia rolled her eyes.

"I don't know Lydia, I'm just a little skeptical about running head first into a seemingly solid brick wall." Jackie said profoundly.

"Wow, Jackie. That is by far the most reasonable rationalization for anything you've ever said," Sarah said in surprise.

With their combined strength, Lydia and Sarah managed to push Jackie, along with their entire luggage, onto the platform.

"Every year. Jackie, you should know by now that the wall does not bite. It will not scratch, nor bruise you. So there is no reason why we should have to drag you kicking and screaming through it every year." Lydia stated simply.

"I know, I know but did you see those muggle guys out there? They were pretty hot!" Jackie exclaimed.  
>"Jackie, there were only old people out there." Sarah pointed out.<p>

"Age is just a number guys." Jackie stated, completely serious. Lydia and Sarah glanced at each other, and then at Jackie, not exactly sure how to respond. Luckily someone decided to call out their names.

"Well if it isn't Jackie Progiciel, Lydia Renflee, and Sarah Baillon." Dean Thomas called out.

"AY' YO Dean Thomas what up G?" Lydia practically shouted.

"Yo Deanizzle, wanna go play some b-ball?" Jackie yelled, continuing the racial insensitivity.

"Why do you guys greet me like this every time?" Dean inquired.

"Aye, Dean, can you teach me how to Dougie while we watch BET? I hear Tyler Perry's Big Mamma's House is on!" Sarah persisted.

"You guys are so racist," he noted.

"I wish I was Beyonce." said Lydia.

"Queen Latifah is my idol." said Sarah.

"My uncle owns a slave, and I'm totally against it." said Jackie.

"Y'know what, I'm just getting on the train." Dean walked off.

"I didn't say he was black!" Jackie shouted after him. Everybody on the platform proceeded to stare at the girls. The black families seemed to glare. All the other ONE black family.

"We can't take you anywhere." Lydia remarked.

The girls clambered onto the train, and while looking for an available compartment, passed Luna Lovegood.

"There's room in here if you three would like to sit down." Luna invited warmly.

"Guys, we can't sit in there." whispered Jackie.

"Why not? I thought you liked Luna?" questioned Sarah.

"She makes me feel like an idiot, she always reads in some sort of foreign language, and I never have even heard about anything she ever talks about." They shot Jackie a look that said 'we-love-you-but-you're-an-idiot'. They opted not to sit with her, and instead sat in the compartment that contained Harry Potter and Ginny, Ron, Fred and George Weasley. They had been friends with them since their start at school, but that didn't mean they were any nicer to them.

"Uhm, just wondering why's the compartment so big?" questioned Sarah.

"Well we had Hermione bewitch it… before we kicked her out," answered George.

"That makes sense, Hermione's annoying as fuck," Lydia said.

"So Ginny," Sarah managed to say creepily.

"Uhm.."

"How was your summer? No homo."

"Okay, how about yours?"

"Awesome, no homo."

"Well that's good."

"Your boobs look great."

"…"

"Kind of homo," Jackie chimed in.

"You got that right, winky face," said Sarah. Ginny then for an unobvious reason left. (Obvious reason, Sarah).

"Damit, every time that happens," cried Sarah.

"So how was your summer, Lydia?" Ron asked. Lydia stared blankly transfixed by Ron's gorgeous physique.

"I ate a jar of mayonnaise with a fork in three minutes one time," responded Lydia.

Ron giggled at Lydia's nervousness. Her eyes only widened more giving her the appearance of a confused ostrich.

"So, Fred this summer I thought of some good pranks to play," Jackie said excitedly.

"Oh, you mean like setting off fireworks in George & my room while we're in there sleeping. Your pranks are truly brilliant," said Fred.

"No, as great as that was, we're gonna turn all the banners in the Slytherin Common Room pink and purple!" Jackie exclaimed. For the rest of the ride Fred and George continued to discuss pranks and everyone else chatted amongst each other while listening to a classic rock mix. Until Sarah spotted Dean Thomas and proceeded to exclaim,

"Hurry change to NWA!"

As Dean walked by he couldn't help but stop. "Honestley?"

"Black Power!" yelled Lydia. Dean decided to not deal with their racist jokes at that point.

As the train came to a stop and everyone finished changing into their robes, the group exchanged many a greeting from their classmates. They were recognized with a variety of acknowledgments, ranging from high fives to glares, but they received one from almost everyone. The girls boarded a carriage and waited patiently for it to set off to school. Upon waiting, they decided to call out to just about everyone they knew to share their carriage with them. By the time the carriage got moving, the carriage contained Harry, Ron, Hermione, Ginny, Seamus, Dean, Fred, George, and Padma. Halfway through the ride Lydia was becoming increasingly frustrated.

"I am not enjoying this one bit. I have Hermione's obnoxious frizzy hair in mt mouth and Padma's disgusting stench in my nostrils. Why did we think this was a good idea?" Lydia grumbled.

"You're pretty funny Lydia," Ron chuckled beside her. Lydia stared back like a deer in headlights.

"…Once I ate a live gold fish for three dollars. It was the most delicious and slippery experience of my life." Lydia awkwardly replied. Ron continued to laugh at her expense for the rest of the ride. Once she was out of Ron's eyesight she burst into hysterical tears. "Every time he looks at me I just blank out and tell him my most embarrassing secrets. I can't even help it!" She sniffles.

"Yeah, bro, you should really work on that. Also, you might want to try to control your facial expressions a little better." Sarah attempts to comfort her teary friend. Lydia pulled herself together, and they made their way into the Great Hall. All they heard of Dumbledore's speech was that an all boys' school was visiting Hogwarts for something or another, because Jackie was trying to decipher wether Dumbledore's beard was real or not.

"So you guys, do you think the Headmaster of Durmstrang will be gay, so Dumbledore can have a butt buddy?" Sarah whispered.

"I hope so, I think it's about time Big D lose his v-card." responded Lydia. Just then, a soft-core porn began to play out as some French sluts cantered in with their asses jiggling like the gelatin sitting on the table before them.

"Guys, I think Ron just came," snickered Jackie. Lydia felt the familiar prickle of tears poke at her tear ducts.

"Y'know one time I watched a soft-core porn, and I accidentally left it open on the browser, and my parents found it and I blamed it on Jackie's younger brother." Lydia blurted.

"That was YOU watching 'Naughty Ginger Aurors'?" Jackie said, earning a glare from Lydia, who again donned the appearance of a confused, and this time angry, ostrich.

Then, the boys or should I say men of Durmstrang did some crazy acrobatics, reminding the girls deeply of home, except a more amateur and crappy version. Needless to say, they were less than impressed.

"Oh my go, did you see that guy? He looks like that one Quidditch player, I think his name's Crumble." observed Jackie.

"Like Cookie Crumble?" asked Sarah.

"That's Viktor Krum!" said Ron, in awe.

"HAH, WHAT A KRUM-MY LAST NAME! KRUMMY KRUM KRUM!" Sarah remarked. The three girls laughed inappropriately loud, in the midst of one of Dumbledore's sentences. Lydia was still crying a decent amount though. She tried to cover up her tears while everyone continued to stare.

"Should we head back to the Common Room?" Ginny suggested after Dumbledore was finally done speaking.

"I have no problem with that, no homo," said Sarah.

"Sarah every time you say that you get a little gayer," Lydia added to the conversation.

"Yeah, it is a little suspicious," Ron said. Lydia's eyes proceeded to widen. "He agrees with me that must mean he likes me," Lydia had accidentally said her thoughts aloud.

"What?" Ron asked.

"Uhm she said 'Yeah let's go back to the Common Room," Jackie helped.

Lydia, Sarah, Harry, Ron, Hermione, Ginny, and George headed back up to the Common Room, and everyone made themselves situated before they noticed Jackie and Fred had gone missing.

"Where did Jackie and Fred get off to?" asked Harry, very english-ly.

"Haha, they probably are "getting off"." commented Lydia.

"What?" asked Ron.

"Er..uh, wanna get off later?" stammered Lydia. At that moment, Jackie and Fred stumbled through the door.

"Donde estaban?" Sarah winked.

"Sarah, you know I don't speak pig latin," said Jackie, like a dumbass. "Oh man, I forgot to tweet about our prank I'll be right back!"

"Do you ever think she'll learn?" questioned Sarah.

"Probably not," answered Fred.

All of a sudden, Oliver Wood sauntered into the room like the pompous asshole he is. Then, like a bee's drawn to honey, Sarah flew over to Oliver and stared into his big chocolate brown eyebrows.

"Oliver what are you doing here?" Sarah asked in awe.

"Weren't you suppose to graduate last year?" questioned Lydia.

"Yeah but I didn't make it on the Puddlemear United Quidditch team SO, I decided to come back for a year," Oliver responded.

"That's awesome," Sarah batted her eyelashes.

"Hey guys wanna play some spin the bottle?" Jackie asks, coming back down from the Girl's Dormitory.

"Yeah!" said George.

"Right," said Fred, "That's an excellent idea!"

Sarah then downed a bottle of Butter Beer to begin the game.

"I'll go first!" exclaimed Lydia. Sarah then bewitched the bottle to land on Ron.

"Alright, this is going to be a fun time," Ron said excitedly.

"I brush my teeth at least two times a day unless I forget," Lydia said awkwardly before pouncing on Ron. Jackie and Sarah cat called for the three minutes Lydia attempted to suck Ron's lips off his face.

"That was quite a show Lydia," laughed Sarah.

"Why don't you go then, Sarah?" Lydia challenged.

"Fine I will!" Without any magical assistance the bottle landed on Ginny and Sarah's facial expression was indescribable.

"I've waited so long for this," said Sarah, "no homo."

Sarah then wiggled her eyebrows and leaned in for a kiss. Not five seconds later, Sarah pulled back and said, "Not to impressed. Sorry Ginny, I'm over you." Ginny could only stare at Sarah with a besotted look on her face.

"You're up Jackie!" Sarah grinned. When Sarah saw who the bottle landed on, the grin slid off her face.

"Oliver Wood? Do I have to? I feel like his eyebrows are going to eat me," Jackie stuck her tongue out.

"Uhm… I can hear you, Jackie," Oliver said in his sexy Scottish accent.

"Whatever. Pucker up eyebrows McGee." Jackie shrugged, leaning over to awkwardly kiss Oliver, After no one said anything, Fred spun the bottle.

"Oh, no way, I get a redo!" Fred groaned in disgust. His spin landed on George.

"You guys aren't into twincest?" Sarah joked.

"Not in public, at least," George winked. In any case, Fred took another turn. This time he was luckier, for the bottle pointed straight to Jackie. Jackie giggled and Fred looked just as excited. They kissed for a good minute, not nearly as intense as Lydia and Ron's, but very sweetly. Sarah conjured up a ribbon heart that framed their faces as they pulled apart.

"Aww!" Lydia and Sarah squealed at the sight. Jackie and Fred were adorable. It was really just giving everyone a toothache.

"Aaand with that lovely display of affection, I think it's time for bed," George chuckled getting up to leave. As everyone began to shuffle upstairs, Sarah caught Harry by the arm. He looked a little disheartened.

"Aww Harry are you lonely 'cause you didn't get a kiss?" Sarah asked.

"A little," Harry pouted jokingly.

"I can fix that!" Sarah exclaimed before pecking Harry on the lips and sprinting upstairs, leaving the poor boy confused.

"Bro nice," Lydia fist bumped Sarah once all the girls were in their dormitory.

"I try," Sarah smirked. With that, the girls began to get ready for bed. They had class tomorrow, and sleep deprivation was no good way to start the year.

"Goodnight Lydia," Sarah sighed.

"Goodnight Sarah. Goodnight Jackie," Lydia said.

"Goodnight. Sweet dreams, Sarah," Jackie chirped.

"Sweet dreams, Jackie," Sarah said, finishing their goodnights. The girls slipped off into dreamland swiftly, excited about their coming year.


	2. Chapter 2

The next morning the girls woke to the dulcet tones of Barbra Streisand. The song, that is, not the actual Barbra Streisand (unfortunately). Jackie had once again set the alarm, and, once again, it sent Lydia into a small fit of rage induced by a lack of caffeine and upbeat music at seemingly ungodly hours of the morning.

"Jackie, did I not JUST tell you yesterday that you weren't ever allowed to pick the alarm song EVER again? And besides, I thought I picked some Streetlight Manifesto to wake up to this morning. . ." Lydia grumbles crossly at Jackie.

"A magician never reveals their secrets. . ." Jackie wiggles her eyebrows and leaps out of bed, dancing along to the peppy techno music still blasting from the speakers, "FIRST SHOWER!" she shouts, meandering over to the bathroom.

"This bitch. Picks that damn song for us to wake up to and then has the NERVE to take the first shower? I could strangle her," Sarah rolls her eyes good-naturedly. Lydia responds by lunging at the alarm radio to change the song. The next song that came up was too perfect to be real. As the piano kicked off, the girls exchanged a look that clearly said 'Let's do this.'

"_Making my way downtown  
>Walking fast<br>Faces pass  
>And I'm home bound" <em>Sarah begins to sing, loudly and off-key, leaping out of bed and pointing at Lydia to continue.

"_Staring blankly ahead  
>Just making my way<br>Making a way  
>Through the crowd" <em>Lydia continues, much the improvement from Sarah's hopeless crooning.

"_And I need you  
>And I miss you<br>And now I wonder..._

_If I could fall  
>Into the sky<br>Do you think time  
>Would pass me by<br>'Cause you know I'd walk  
>A thousand miles<br>If I could  
>Just see you<br>Tonight" _ Lydia and Sarah dance around the room together, singing the chorus epically and in unison. They finish the song, switching parts every so often and using every possible item in their room as props.

"Well that woke me up better than caffeine ever could," Lydia laughed, gathering her things for the day.

"Got that right. We should start the day with an epic sing along err'day!" Sarah said excitedly, beginning to pull clothes, makeup, and hair products from her bag. Just then Jackie burst open the doors of the bathroom, steam pouring out into their room.

"Did my ears deceive me or did y'all have an epic sing along without me?" Jackie mock-glared at her two friends.

"That's what you get for waking us up with frickin BARBRA STREISAND and then taking FIRST SHOWER." Lydia sticks her tongue out, running into the bathroom to shower.

"I regret nothing." Jackie simply states before getting ready for the school day. Sarah simply rolls her eyes and chuckles, idly chatting with her friend while the three continued with their respectful morning routines. In less than an hour and a half (read: NEW RECORD) the girls were dressed and ready to head down for breakfast. They wander down to the great hall, taking in all the sights that the magical castle had to offer, basking in the memories they've made in their previous years and plotting memories yet to come.

"Oh my god, you guys I just realized something," Lydia stopped them all in their tracks just outside of the great hall. Jackie and Sarah gave her a puzzled look as if to say 'go on,' "I made out with Ron last night and I didn't even say anything to him after. What am I gonna do? He probably thinks I'm crazy!" Lydia began having a mini panic attack.

"Whoa! Bro! First of all, after all the creepy random stuff you said to him before I'm pretty sure that he thought you were crazy before you mauled him with your lips. Second of all, stop being a pansy-"

"-I RESENT THAT" Pansy screamed from somewhere. The group of friends looked around wildly, trying to find the devious bitch that was Pansy Parkinson, before Sarah continued on.

"Anyways, stop being a pansy and get in there. Ignoring him won't do anyone any good at all," Sarah points out.

"Wow, Sarah. You certainly know how to give an encouraging pep talk," Lydia says sarcastically, before taking Sarah's advice and continuing into the great hall nonetheless. The girls marched up to the already crowded Gryffindor table and squeezed themselves in wherever they could. This also meant that Lydia was strategically shoved into the empty seat next to Ron by Sarah and Jackie. Sarah maneuvered herself between Oliver and Harry and Jackie was forced practically into the lap of Fred. Not that she minded, though ;). While most may have expected this layout to be awkward, it most certainly was not. The group chattered about inane things, carefully skirting around the topic that was their impromptu game of spin the bottle the previous night. That is, until someone made things slightly awkward.

"You're a really good kisser, Lydia" Ron blurted randomly while Lydia was in mid-bite of her porridge. Her spoon dropped back down to the bowl, effectively sending bits of her breakfast into the Creevey brothers' faces. Her mouth was open wide enough to catch flies, and her eyes were equally as big. Jackie kicked her under the table, encouraging her to say something.

"Thanks, I practice on my hand sometimes," Lydia says. Sarah mentally (and physically) face palms. What a dinkus.

"Umm, that's great? Well, what I was trying to say was, uh. . .well, I really like it when you kiss me. I mean, uh, I wouldn't mind doing it again. A lot. Maybe. I don't know-" Ron babbles before he is interrupted.

"Ron, do you wanna be my boyfriend?" Lydia (finally) comes back to her senses, and quite unexpectedly asks Ron this straightforward question.

"Um, yes, I believe that's what I've been trying to get at. Thank you, Lydia. I would love to be your boyfriend," Ron grins giddily.

"So, uh, how 'bout that kissing schtuff you were on about earlier?" Lydia says, only mildly awkward. Ron obliges and Sarah and Jackie whoop embarrassingly loud. What an unexpected turn of events! After about 10 minutes of heated snogging between Ron and Lydia, Jackie and Sarah tore them apart so they wouldn't be late to Potions.

"I wonder what we're going to do in Severus' class today." Sarah asked with a twinkle in her eye.

"Can you please not call Snape, Severus it's beyond creepy," whined Lydia. Jackie added in a nod to show that she thought it was just as disgusting.

"I don't understand why it is so creepy? He's so ridiculously attractive and brilliant and his eyes are…"

"STOP, YOU JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF STALKER!" Lydia yelled. At that point they had luckily reached Snape's class.

"I see you all finally decided to join the rest of the class, 10 minutes late. 10 points from Gryffindor for each of you. Sit down." Snape demanded.

"We're so sorry," Sarah said batting her eyelashes. Lydia then pinched Sarah's arm and dragged her to the three's seat. Snape then proceeded to talk about who knows what.

"He's sounds so sexy when he talks about Potions," Sarah whispered to Jackie and Lydia who sat right next to her.

"Seriously?" Lydia looked at Sarah in disgust.

"No. You know who's sexy?" Jackie raised her eyebrows.

"Ooh, who?" Lydia asked seeming interested.

"The kid sitting over there," Jackie pointed across the room very vaguely. Lydia gazed over.

"Seamus, yeah he's pretty cute," Lydia reasoned.

"NO, not Seamus! The kid next to him!" Jackie pointed again.

"EEW, CORMAC MCLAGGEN!" Lydia yelled.

Snape shot a dirty look to them, "I suppose you want to share with the class what you three were talking about. Seeming as it cannot wait until after class."

"I was saying… uhm," Lydia started to rattle her brain for an excuse.

"We like Cormac's haircut," Jackie jumped in.

"Hey, thanks!" Cormac shouted across the room with a wink proceeding.

"THAT'S ENOUGH! 50 points from Gryffindor!"

The rest of class they all remained silent. Lydia and Jackie decided to sleep and Sarah decided to write _Sarah Marie Snape _all over her journal. After 30 minutes of Snape rambling, class was finally over. Sarah then managed to shake Lydia and Jackie awake and they left miserable like always.

"That class gets worse and worse everyday!" Jackie complained.

"Don't talk about Sever… Snape's class like that," Sarah cried, "It is very insightful and interesting."

"Good joke Sarah, that was almost as funny as the dead parents bit my mom and dad did." Lydia said sarcastically. Cormac then walked by and Jackie drooled all over herself (not really) but her mouth watered up.

"OH MY GOD, he's gorgeous!" Jackie exclaimed. At that point Fred and George had met up with the girls.

"You must be talking about me," Fred laughed adding in creating a really awkward silence. "Okay, I guess that was a bad joke." Again awkward silence. "I'll just stop talking." They walked back to the Common Room together dead silent. They all sat down in the Common Room and then George decided to break the silence, "So who's up for another round of spin the bottle?" No one seemed to be up for anything since the first awkward silence. "No takers, okay. Uhm, how was everyone's day?"

"Pretty chill, Severus looked so fine today," Sarah said with a devilish look on her face.

"You're gross," George said blankly. "Anyone else? How about you Jackie?"

"Uhm, okay. I don't know, pretty good at best."

"You know what, I think I am going to go upstairs. The vibe in this room is bringing me down," George said, disappointed in his usually exciting friends and brother.

"Ya hear that? The vibe in this room is bringing him down. What is he, a VIBE-RATER!" Sarah joked. Jackie and Lydia laughed hysterically at the semi-sexual joke, but Fred seemed to be in the dark.

"I don't get it. Why's that funny?" Fred obviously seemed to be unfamiliar with muggle-oriented naughty toys.

"YOU'RE SO DUMB! AHAHAHA!" shouted Jackie, obviously still laughing like a hyena on Novocain. This drove Fred to leave the room as well, probably to find his counter-part.

"Man, Jackie, for having a thing for Fred, you sure are a bitch to him." commented Lydia.

"A thing for Fred? Nah, I've moved onto bigger and better things. And you know what bigger and better things rhymes with? Cormac McLaggen. I'd like to cover him in chocolate and make out with his face." Jackie…er, explained.

"Jackie, I won't even begin to tell you all the things wrong with that sentence." Sarah, again, mentally face-palmed.

"Well, I will! First, your literary skills must be askew, because Cormac McLaggen, in no way, rhymes with 'bigger and better things'. Second, I'm pretty sure Fred is taller than Cormac, making him bigger, and Fred is way nicer and funnier, making him BETTER. Lastly, cover him in chocolate…Jackie, it's just not right." Lydia extrapolated, maybe slightly bitch-like.

"I chose not to listen to anything you just said and fantasize about Cormac in a bathtub full of Bertie Bott's. Me-yow." Sarah and Lydia simultaneously gagged, as the image was forcibly inserted into their heads by Jackie.

"This room is filled with too many mental images of Cormac and candy. Let's go down to the lake, I'm feeling nautical." Lydia suggested. Jackie and Sarah agreed.

The girls made their way down to the Black Lake, passing Professor Flitwick and saying how they'd like to put a sombrero filled with chips and salsa on his head and make him walk around at parties, and as they did not wait to do this until he was out of earshot, got 30 points deducted from Gryffindor.

"At this rate, we'll be in the negative zone by the end of the year. You think we'll have an angry mob after us?" asked Jackie.

"I don't know, but if we do, I hope they have torches and pitchforks. It has always been a dream of mine to be chased by an authentic angry mob." Lydia's eyes glazed over as she said this. Jackie and Sarah face-palmed. They arrived at the Black Lake, and proceeded to reminisce about their previous memories sitting right there, at the shore of the lake.

"Do you guys remember that time we threw Colin Creevey into the lake after telling him about the squid?" Sarah inquired. How could they forget? It was a sunny day, just like any other. The girls were in their third year, and Colin in his second. He had not yet reached his growth spurt, and the girls were much taller than him. They made up a story about how dozens of kids get eaten by the squid each year, and proceeded to lift him up and throw him into the lake. Truly, it was golden.

"I can still remember the look on his face. Ah, good times." Lydia said. Needless to say, the girls were exceptional bullies.

After the three had decided to remove their shoes and socks and wade in the water, they saw Harry, Ron, and Hermione walk down to where they were situated.

"Hey, ladies!" Sarah called to them.

"Hey, don't you call my man a lady! He's allllllllllllllll Y chromosome." Lydia nodded, as she made something not very sexual into something sexual.

The girls walked slowly back to dry land to say 'hi' to Ron and Harry, and further ignore Hermione's existence. Lydia's 'hi' to Ron was a little more intimate than the other girls', as she jumped on top of him, screaming "BABY!" and went on to snog him fiercely.

"Merlin's beard, you guys are like rabbits! Cut it out!" Jackie yelled, kicking Lydia and Ron.

"You're just jelly because you can't do that with Cormac!" Lydia shot back. Harry, Ron, and Hermy-one donned disgusted faces. They all shared similar views of Cormac, except for Jackie, who only cared about outer beauty. Jackie was obviously fantasizing again, as she started to lick her lips lower her eyelids.

"Uh, Jackie, do you want us to leave you alone for a few moments?" Harry asked, concerned for her sanity.

"Yes. No. Later. Get off my back! YOU DON'T KNOW ME! LEAVE ME ALONE!" At this point, they all feared for Jackie's sanity. Deciding that they had had enough outdoors for the day, they walked back to the Common Room, and in jealousy of her friends previous sing-a-long, Jackie sang 'A Thousand Miles' rather loudly, as she cried a little bit. Jackie Progiciel was a character. I mean. They all were, but Jackie especially.


	3. Chapter 3

That Friday night (Saturday morning?) at midnight, the three girls found themselves tucked safely into bed like the angels that they are. JOKE. They were actually sneaking stealthily, decked out in head to toe black, around the castle. The girls had business to attend to, and on occasion they liked to add a little flair of drama to their plans. Hence the ninja-like attire. And the scaling of the hallway walls.

In any case, they crept along the seventh floor hallway until they reached the blank stretch of wall facing the picture of the dancing trolls ("Look! It's Draco teaching Crabbe and Goyle how to arabesque!" Lydia had exclaimed). Sarah thrice paced in front of the wall until, huzzah, a door appeared. The girls then proceeded to scurry inside before the door could be noticed.

"Not that I'm complaining or anything, I love a girls night as much as you do, but what was so desperately important that you had to drag me out of my bed at midnight?" Lydia asks Sarah. Sarah had woken her two friends from their peaceful slumber fifteen minutes ago, telling them that they needed to go to the room of requirement with her.

"I have a marvelous proposal for you two." Sarah grinned mischeviously.

"Whoa, I'm totally okay with the gay, but I don't play for that team, Sarah. Plus, that's polygamy, which is gross," Jackie backs away uncomfortably from Sarah, while Sarah looks at Jackie like she has grown a second head.

"First of all, being slightly bi-curious for Ginny at the beginning of the year does not make me a lesbian. All hope for that relationship went out the door once I kissed her, 'cause it was sort of like kissing a dead fish," Lydia shuddered ar Sarah's analogy, "Secondly, I meant proposal like a proposition, not like 'hey I wanna marry you fine-ass bitches.' That would be gross. You two are like my sisters," Sarah blanched at the idea. "Now listen closely, I have a fantastic idea for a prank. . ."

The week following the secret meeting, the girls behaved like angels. Needless to say, it put all of their friends and teachers on edge. Especially when the girls (and Harry's glasses) went missing on Friday afternoon.

"Guys, I can't see anything! I don't even remember putting my glasses down!" Jackie heard Harry complain to Ron and Hermione from their dormitory.

"Everyone is in the common room. The timing is perfect. Phase one is a-go!" Jackie whispered to Sarah and Lydia.

"Jackie, why the fuck are you whispering if everyone is in the common room?" Lydia pointed out.

"Uhm. . .dramatic affect?" Jackie replied, still in a whisper, not really having a good answer. "Whatever, let's just go. The Potter Prank starts now!"

"That's a really dumb name. Why could we not come up with something better?" Sarah questions as they walk downstairs into the common room. Once they all arrive at the foot of the stairs, Sarah gives a flick of her wand and "Girls Just Want To Have Fun" begins to play loudly, cueing them to begin their carefully choreographed dance routine. The reaction is immediate, and the entire Gryffindor house is reduced to stitches. Except for Harry, who has no idea what the hell is going on because he doesn't have his glasses.

"Hey, Hermione, what's everyone laughing at?" Harry asks, confused.

"I think it's better you don't see this, mate," Ron gasps between peals of laughter.

"Seeing what!" Harry prompts, but the question is lost as the attention of all of his surrounding classmates is focused on the three carbon Harry copies, all decked out in full drag, dancing scandalously to an extremely flamboyant song.

"Seriously guys? What is going on?" Harry pleads. Hermione looks over at Ron for approval and Ron nods his head.

"Well, it seems three people have taken Polyjuice Potion… to look like you," Hermione said nervously.

"Oh that's no big deal," Harry said relieved.

"Well there's one more crucial part mate. They're dressed like girls… and dancing," Ron quivered.

"WHAT?" Harry screamed, "Who the hell would do that?" Harry, Hermione, and Ron looked at each other and all said at the same time, "Jackie, Lydia, and Sarah!" After the big performance, the three fake Potters ran outside. Harry had Hermione and Ron guide him to where they escaped to. The girls saw the three gaining on them and ran to the lake.

"STOP!" yelled Hermione, "He REALLY can't see!"

"Haha, that makes it funnier," laughed Lydia.

"Lydia, come on babe, please give Harry his glasses back," Ron asked in his most pathetic voice.

Lydia seemed like she was going to cave, so Jackie took over. "You guys can have his real glasses back if you can guess, on the first try, which one of us is wearing the REAL ones."

"UGH, fine," they all agreed.

"Well, can we test out the glasses first?" Hermione asked. The girls all huddled and talked for about 3 seconds.

"NO!"

"So this is based on sheer luck?"

"YES!"

"Okay, Harry, let's think about this logically," Hermione began to rattle her brain.

"Where do you find logic in guessing?" asked Harry seeming annoyed with Hermione's utter uselessness. "Sarah's wearing the REAL glasses."

"NOPE, wrong! Lydia is!" Jackie chuckled. Lydia then proceeded to throw the glasses in the lake. It appeared that Harry had heard the 'plop' that the glasses made upon breaking the surface of the water.

"You guys are lousy gits!" he yelled, directing his anger at a couple trees as opposed to the disguised girls. Hermione pitied her friend, and turned his body more toward the girls. They mentally took note of Hermione's lust to get them yelled at, and decided to act on it later.

"Well, maybe you should thank us! Maybe it's time you fix your eyes with, oh, I don't know, MAGIC, and stop being a stupid FOUR-EYES!" yelled the Lydia Harry at the real Harry.

"Lydia, that was really mean, you should apologize to him, he can't even see." Ron suggested to the Lydia Harry (he assumed). She could not easily resist his wishes.

"Okay, but I have one more thing to do and say while I'm still Harry," Lydia turned to the Jackie Harry, "Harry?"

"Yes, Harry?" asked the Jackie Harry.

"You're a wizard, Harry."

Jackie Harry choked back laughter, it took all her might. "But I can't be a wizard! I'm just Harry!" after using her 11-year-old boy voice, Jackie Harry turned to Sarah Harry and used her best Hagrid voice. "You're a wizard, Harry."

"But I can't be a wizard! I'm just stuuuupid, smelly, poor, under-the-stairs servant boy Harry!" Sarah Harry said back, very shrilly. The (boy)girls bust into fits of laughter, falling onto the ground.

"I never said anything like that! Ugh, Accio glasses!" the real Harry summoned his glasses back from the lake, and stared in horror at the three scantily-clad Harrys rolling in hysterics on the ground. They found their composure, stood up, and brushed themselves off. The Lydia Harry sashayed over to Ron, and kissed him right on the lips, quickly, making sure no one else saw. She was mean, but not mean enough to allow Harry and Ron's reputation to go from best friends to butt buddies. Ron stood wide-eyed for a second, and sort of frowned in a confused manner.

"I'm sorry, Harry. And Ron" said the smirking Lydia Harry, whose features were slowly becoming more feminine.

"Yeah, I'm really glad we did it, but I wouldn't do it again, and I'm sorry if we hurt your feelings or whatever." Said the Jackie Harry, whose hair was growing, and lightening to Jackie's blondish color.

"It's too bad, you're pretty cute when you're blind and pissed," said a fully reverted Sarah, left in the skimpy clothing. She thought she saw a blush on Harry's cheeks, but it could've just been pure rage at the girls' idea of a prank. "Also, I'm sorry." she smiled widely at him, which seemed to soften him up. Sarah and Jackie took the fake glasses off and snapped them in half, then looked for pockets to put the pieces in. They looked down at themselves and gasped. With their stomachs bare, and their legs almost fully showed off, the thought "we're 14" ran through their heads as they tried to cover themselves with their hands, and pull down their short skirts.

"ERR, RON, GIMME SOMETHING YOUR WEARING." Lydia pleaded. Ron laughed.

"No, I like what I see too much. And I think you kind of deserve it, kissing me in that state was uncalled for!" Ron responded, smiling and giggling.

"STOP LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT, I'M LIKE 12." Lydia yelled, exaggerating and drawing attention from people around, who took double takes after glancing at the three girls. They ran back to the Common Room while trying to keep their skirts from riding up, earning many a stare and wolf whistle from their peers, and a week of detention from McGonagall for 'dressing inappropriately'. They didn't even argue.

They ran through the Common Room, which had thankfully cleared out a substantial amount in the past 15-or-so minutes, and slammed the door after entering their bedroom.

"Well." said Jackie.

"Worth the detentions and embarrassment?" asked Lydia, mostly to Sarah.

"Oh, god, yes. Definitely. That couldn't have gone any better, I don't think." Sarah reflected on the glorious feat they had just pulled off.

"You're right. And we passed Cormac while running, and he was totally checking me out." Jackie licked her lips and nodded. Without fail, Sarah face-palmed, and flicked Jackie in the head to alert her that she had almost drooled on herself.

"All in all, I give us an A for _a_bsolutely perfect." Lydia concluded.

"I give us an A+ for _a_stonishing work." Sarah agreed, contented.

"A for...Corm_A_c's fine _A_ss!" Jackie pointed a finger upward, "brain blast" style.

"Jackie, shut up." she obliged, and presumably, went into her happy place as she plopped down on her bed. Sarah and Lydia exchanged high fives, and did the same. They deserved a nap for the rather excellent achievement they pulled off. Well, that, and running in heels really takes a lot out of you.


	4. Chapter 4

After a great day with a GREAT prank, the girls decided to head downstairs with Fred, George, Ron, and Harry to watch people submit their names into the Goblet of Fire for the Triwizard Tournament. As they were walking down, Fred and George talked about the Aging Potion they had stayed up making all night and how annoyed they were by Hermione's "Debby Downer" attitude. At that very moment Hermione then appeared out of nowhere.

"I have already told you it's not going to work!" Hermione nagged.

"We know, SHUT UP!" yelled George.

"You're killing the vibe!" Fred chimed in.

"Haha, vibe-rater." Lydia chuckled under her breath.

"Fine, I'll just go then!'' Hermione cried.

"THANK GOD!" Everyone seemed to say this in unison. After a little more walking they had finally arrived. When they walked in they saw the big muscled Viktor Krum. Lydia, Sarah, and Jackie seemed to drool simultaneously at the sight of him.

"Honestly? I'm standing right here, Lydia." Ron said snapping Lydia out of her daze.

"Oh, sorry," Lydia seemed to say shortly stilling daydreaming.

"I'm so happy, I can look with NO guilt," Jackie smiled while Fred seemed to be offended.

"I know right," Sarah agreed getting the same kind of look from Harry. The Triwizard Tournament seemed to attract another attractive male, Cedric Diggory, and also one of the French sluts, Fleur. Ron seemed to look (stare actually) when she had walked in, Lydia had then proceeded to grab Ron's face and snog him to death.

"Bloody hell," Ron blushed.

"THAT'S RIGHT I KNOW HOW TO PLEASE MY MAN, YOU FRENCH SLUT!" Lydia yelled at Fleur. Fleur looked back, confused, wondering if Lydia had been talking to her.

"Lydia stop!" Ron grabbed her and flipped her around. It looked like she was in a big girl time-out but she seemed to take it.

"Okay, ready Fred?" George asked.

"Ready, George!" Fred and George then began their little Aging Potion act. They seemed to get everyone really excited except for Hermione of course. Like expected though, Fred and George's plan did not work out, giving them grayed hair and beards. Jackie seemed to find Fred really attractive at that point (she's a creeper like that). George and Fred then started fighting and everyone seemed to cheer them on. Again, Jackie being a creeper found Fred's wrestling around very attractive.

"Dang, why don't you and Ron wrestle around like that?" Sarah asked Harry. Ron seemed to be thoroughly creeped out.

"Why are you so sexually oriented?" Harry asked Sarah. Sarah just looked at him and winked. Fred and George had then finished fighting and their grayed hair had turned back to red. Jackie just seemed to look at Fred in a completely different light at that point. Harry and Sarah also seemed to click more when Sarah had mentioned her sexual obsession. And obviously Lydia and Ron had been doing alright! They were truly meant to be. They had walked up stairs and coupled with each other to hang out in the Common Room.

"Fred, George we have to tell you something," Jackie started.

"What," they asked.

"Well when you guys crossed the aging line and put names in the Goblet we snuck in two more names," Lydia finished.

"You guys had us put your names in the Goblet?" George asked.

"No. Better. But it's a surprise; we're hoping those names get called for the Triwizard Tournament, you'll have to wait," Sarah said with a HUGE grin on her face. There was clearly no stop to the girls' treachery. They had literally watched at least a dozen 17-year-old boys cry, as they had hooted and hollered at them things like "HE'S GONNA DIE SO HARD!" and "THERE'S NO WAY HE'LL WIN ETERNAL GLORY, HE'S AN ETERNAL PUSSY!". They arrived at the Common Room, and sat down on the couches in front of the fire. This lasted for about 5 minutes until boredom crept up on them.

"We should play… banana." Jackie suggested.

"No." Sarah rejected.

"We should play… apple." Jackie suggested, again.

"Jackie, those aren't games, those are fruits." Lydia said, hoping she wouldn't suggest another fruit.

"WATERMELOOOOON." Jackie yelled, jumping up and waving her arms to-and-fro. Lydia cast the Jelly Legs curse on her. She fell to the floor.

"NO FAIR, MY LEGS ARE JELLY!" she yelled.

"Hey, shut up down there, some of us are trying to sleep!" Jackie earned a yell from Lavender Brown.

"Don't make me army crawl up there, Brown, I will mop the floor with your ass!" Jackie threatened. Lavender did not yell back. She wasn't entirely aware that Jackie was about as harmless as a…wrackspurt. "Why are my legs still jelly! Make it stop!"

"Unjellify." Lydia pointed her wand at Jackie, while performing the actual counter-curse under her breath, fooling Jackie into thinking the counter-curse was 'unjellify'. Jackie plopped herself back onto the couch. Sarah, being too lazy to stand up and walk over to a clock, pulled out her wand, and said,

"Accio clock." and a small clock flew down, fast, from the boys' room. There were also sounds of things falling coming from the dorm, and confused male voices. She glanced at the clock face, and her eyes widened. "Since when is it almost 10?"

"Since we sat there making fun of people for the better part of 4 hours, I suppose," yawned Lydia, "but I'm not even tired, so let's go do somethin' crazy. SARAH, WAKE THE BOYS!"

And so she ran up to their room, and a minute or two later, came down, followed by the very grumpy Harry, Ron, Fred, and George, and they just kinda left Hermione because she would've just ratted them out, and she sucks anyway. They all, simultaneously, plopped onto the floor, already missing their beds.

"Whah ah we uhp aguhn?" asked George, whose face was flattened against the floor.

The girls looked at each other, nodded, and then formed a huddle. The boys all groaned.

"Okay, we're up, they're up, what're we doing?" asked Sarah, in hushed tones.

"I have no idea, let's wing it. OUR way." Jackie suggested. "I'll start: Let's."

Next was Sarah. "Go."

Then Lydia. "CLIIIIIMB."

"the…"

"…..WHOMPING."

"WILLOOOOOOOW!" the girls finished in a loud whisper. At that, they uttered a "Break!" and turned to look at the boys, who had gone back to sleep on top of each other on the floor. Lydia promptly kicked the pile. Grumpy 'OW's left the pile.

"Whaaaaaaaaaaad." moaned Ron.

"We're going on an adventure. Harry, fetch your invisibility cloak, s'il vous plait!" said Lydia.

Harry did so, begrudgingly, and they made their way out to the infamous plant. The cloak was really only big enough to cover 3 people, at best, and they had 8, so it really only covered their top halves, making it look like there were disembodied legs roaming about the castle. Luckily, they passed nobody. There were 8 people, as opposed to 7, because Oliver Wood somehow tagged along without even attending the school anymore. When the Whomping Willow came into their sight, the boys started to ask questions.

"So-uh…what is it that we're doing out here at 11 bloody o'clock?" inquired Fred. The girls decided it was best not to disclose their intentions before actually getting to the willow.

They walked up to the Whomping Willow as close as they could without getting, well, whomped.

"So, Jackie, Lydia and I will all give a Galleon to whoever can climb it first! Go!" the boys stared at them with bewildered faces. Well, except for Oliver, for some reason.

"Are you mental!" Harry inquired. He OBVIOUSLY wasn't going to do it, since he was loaded enough to buy Dumbledore's beard right off him.

"Yup, I'll do it. I'd probably do it for one Galleon." said a possibly-inebriated Oliver. Not getting into his finishing school of choice probably took some sort of toll on his sobriety. By the way, the girls didn't actually have any money.

He stumbled into the boundaries of the tree, and skillfully avoided (most of) the branches that swung at him and tried to trip him up. One of the thicker branches swung under his legs and made him lose footing and fall onto his face, and some of the club-like branches started to beat on his back. He found his way back to his feet, somehow, and got to the trunk of the tree. With all his drunken strength, he shimmied his way up the tree, miraculously managing to dodge branches that were attempting to impale him. The boys stared in horror, while the girls clapped and encouraged him to go further.

"This is for you Sarah, you so sexy," Oliver slurred, stumbling (if stumbling with your hands was an actual possibility) further up the tree.

"GROSS! She's 14 you pedophile!" Lydia exclaimed, clearly disgusted at the above-legal-age wizard.

". . .But keep going you scummy creep!" Jackie chimed in, waiting patiently (not) for Oliver to take his tumble. She got her wish when a phantom branch came out of nowhere and knocked Oliver straight in the gut. The group watched in awe as he soared ten feet higher than the tree, and then proceeded to fall quite un-gracefully to the soft (not) ground. The force of the impact had knocked the wind out of him, as it goes to say. The girls were also having trouble breathing, but it was because they were doubled over in laughter.

"Good thing he was drunk, that would have hurt a lot more if he was sober!" Lydia remarked, matter-of-factly.

"Yeah, but he's gonna feel it twice as hard tomorrow!" Sarah snickered, only mildly creeped out by Oliver's previous comment.

"I can't believe you encouraged him to keep going. He could have gotten seriously hurt!" Hermione said in her stupid know-it-all voice.

"Who said you could come, Herman? Only cool kids are allowed on the grounds after curfew. You read enough rule books, you should know that!" Jackie scoffs at Hermione, sending the entire group (minus that night troll Hermione) into a fit of giggles.

"You know, she's completely right Hermione. Why don't you just go back to crying yourself to sleep?" Fred suggests. Jackie looks at him like he just told her that she was the most awesome person to ever be born and that he was taking her to Disney world for an entire month. Hermione, on the other hand, makes an ugly crying face and runs back to the castle.

"That was easy, well done Jackie and Fred! I commend you!" Sarah commends Jackie and Fred.

"I can't feel my face," Oliver wheezes from the ground.

"Maybe you shouldn't have listened to our stupid advice, Tiny Wood," Lydia suggests in a somewhat (extremely) sarcastic tone. Oliver continues to stare up at Lydia stupidly.

"Guys, maybe we should get him inside and disregard his idiocy, at least for now. I would hate for such beautiful eyebrows to go to waste if he dies of hypothermia out here." Sarah says shallowly (though it was clearly meant as a joke. Come on, guys, she's not that much of a heartless bitch!).

"Yeah. Hey boyfriend! Ginger twins! Wanna help a brotha out?" Lydia asks loudly.

"Who do you think you are, Lydia? Dean Thomas?" Sarah says quickly before the boys could respond. This causes the group to nervously laugh, not wanting to be caught laughing at a clearly racist black joke about one of their friends.

"Guys, no one is around, it's OKAY to laugh!" Jackie points out. After this, everyone proceeds to laugh at a non-awkward volume, cheerily making their way (well, everyone except the Weasley boys who had to carry a drunk and smelly Oliver Wood under a tiny cloak of invisibility) back up to the common room.

For the first time in Hogwarts history, the girls did not get in any sort of trouble for their ill thought out and mostly dangerous shenanigans.

"Heywhere'smygalleonssss" Oliver slurred, partially from the alcohol and partially from the probable concussion he was sporting.

"Yeah, uh, we don't got no galleons, but. . .uh. . .you can have a kiss from Sarah!" Lydia offered up.

"What?" Harry exclaimed, a little upset. Everyone turned to look at him, as he was the only person who had an opinion about this arrangement. Harry blushed, "Uh. . .I mean. . .I don't care. Sarah can kiss whoever she wants."

"Okay then. . ." Sarah shrugs, making her way to Oliver. Just as she bent down to kiss him, she was interrupted.

"WAIT!" Harry exclaims again, pulling Sarah away from the couch that Oliver was splayed across and into Harry's arms. "You can't kiss him, because I like you!" He informs Sarah. She breaks out into a goofy grin, pulling Harry in by the back of his neck to smooch him.

"Well this was an odd turn of events." Jackie states what the entire room was thinking. "Oh shit, now I'm the only bitch with no one to kiss. Hey Fred, come here and kiss me!" Fred looks like a deer in headlights at this point. "DID I F-IN STUTTER?" Jackie yells, quite scarily.

"No ma'am!" Fred replies quickly, clearly traumatized a little bit, before sweeping Jackie into his arms and dipping her down for an über romantic kiss. Lydia goes 'aww', and then, realizing that she is the only one of her friends NOT doing something adorable, turns to Ron and dips him in the same way that Fred did to Jackie, kissing him (not as romantically, because Ron was mid-yelp when Lydia started to kiss him, and it sort of looked like he was eating her mouth for a second there). After the three couples stopped their epic snog-fest, they came to realize that all of the lame singles, minus Oliver who was unfortunately stuck on the couch and snoring loudly, not that they really cared because they were all stuck in a love-bubble.

"OHMIGOD guys do you know what this means?" Jackie exclaims suddenly.

"OHMIGODWHUT?" Lydia and Sarah guess simultaneously.

"This totally means we get to go on triple date with romantic broomstick rides!" Jackie says excitedly, jumping up and down and clapping.

"THAT'S ALL I WANT TO DO IN LIFE!" Sarah shouts.

"I LOVE HAVING BOYFRIENDS!" Lydia screams as the girls all meet up to group hug. Their boyfriends all look at each other in horror and amusement.

That night the girls go off to bed with smiles on their faces, dreaming of future romantic dates that include picnics on the quidditch pitch and riding off into the moonlight with their boy toys and best friends at their sides.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

_I used to think that I could not go on  
>And life was nothing but an awful song<br>But now I know the meaning of true love  
>I'm leaning on the everlasting arms<em>

_If I can see it, then I can do it  
>If I just believe it, there's nothing to it<br>_

_I believe I can fly  
>I believe I can touch the sky<br>I think about it every night and day  
>Spread my wings and fly away<br>I believe I can soar  
>I see me running through that open door<br>I believe I can fly  
>I believe I can fly<br>I believe I can fly_. Yes. Jackie had decided the alarm song again.

"JACKIE! Why are you so gay?" Lydia yelled with her pillow over her ears.

"I AM NOT GAY! This song is touching and heartfelt", Jackie said defending herself.

"Heartfelt? It's R Kelly?" While Lydia and Jackie continued to bicker about the sincerity and emotion of R Kelly, Sarah slept like a baby. It was not until Jackie attempted to throw a tissue box at Lydia and accidentally hit Sarah that she woke up.

"What the hell?" Sarah said in her groggy wake up voice.

"Jackie tried to throw a tissue box at me cause I told her that R Kelly was just as awful as Poison," Lydia told her.

"NO ONE insults my husband's band in front of me," Jackie said trying to defend herself to Sarah.

"Jackie, shut the hell up. Bret Michaels is not and never will be your husband," Sarah stated bluntly. Jackie then proceeded to break down and cry on their bedroom floor. Lydia and Sarah just seemed to find the whole thing amusing and decided to yet again break another school rule and sneak all the boyfriends up to their room. Sarah disappeared for about ten minutes to snatch the boys and returned with them telling them what had happened.

"Fred, handle your woman!" Ron had said with highest concern for Jackie's sanity.

"Nah, let's see how long she'll stay like this!" Lydia cackled. Lydia then had received a very dirty look from Fred. Fred then walked over to his blubbering mess of a girlfriend.

"Hey uhm, babe, you've been crying for like 20 minutes about a man you don't even know," Fred said lightly hoping not to further depress Jackie.

"But I DO know him, he's a piece of me. I fell in love with Bret Michaels the minute I heard the classic love song, _Talk Dirty to Me_," Jackie responded most sincerely. Harry had then given Jackie a look that said, '_You're joking, right? Please tell me this is a joke'. _Ron seemed to have the same look and Sarah and Lydia were on the verge of crying from laughter.

"Yeah, I get that babe, I understand completely. You've told me multiple times about your love for him and I'm accepting but what I really need you to do right now is stop crying," Fred again said trying not to upset her.

"The only way I can stop is if Lydia and Sarah apologize for their HURTFUL and FALSE statements!" Fred gave Lydia and Sarah a pleading look to just amuse Jackie and apologize. For reasons unknown they had given Fred a nod of agreement.

"I'm sorry for saying you won't marry Bret Michaels," Sarah said in a half laugh. Jackie then looked over at Lydia. Sarah had nudged her to speak.

"And I'm sorry Poison sucks and you will be marrying the ugliest man alive," stated Lydia proceeding to laugh her ass off. Again Jackie had begun to cry and whine. After about another hour of the Jackie episode, Fred was able to convince her that they made fun of Bret Michaels because they were jealous.

"Yeah, we're so jealous, Jackie. I bet you're going to go to the Yule ball with Bret Michaels," Sarah deadpans to Jackie. Jackie, clearly missing the sarcasm in her statement, gazes off into the distance dreaming of bandanas, blonde hair extensions, and roses that have thorns.

"I know, right? I can't wait until I get to dance with him to our song 'Nothin' But A Good Time'" Jackie sighs contentedly as she begins to waltz around the room.

"Uh, I was kind of hoping that we'd get to go to the Yule ball together…" Fred awkwardly interjects.

"Psh, the Yule ball isn't for like two and a half months! I can't hold a boyfriend for that long, I'm a fourteen-year-old girl!" Jackie laughs hysterically while Fred's face becomes crestfallen.

"Two and a half months! Hot dog! I am so very stoked for the Yule Ball, I do declare!" exclaimed Sarah, neglecting to explain why she used so many period-specific expressions.

"O-M-G, girls, we have to talk about boys, and shoes, and nail polish-" said Lydia, counting on her fingers.

"And tampons?" interrupted Jackie. 

"UGH STOP BLOODY HELL!" exclaimed Ron and his uncomfortable brothers.

"It sure is a bloody hell, you got that right," Sarah snickered. The "men" writhed where they were sitting in discomfort and disgust. "Anyway, i'm tooootally gonna look like a modern day, sexy Cinderella. With extra sexy on the side. With some sexy."

"Bret Michaels is sexy." Jackie reminds everyone.

"Yes, Jackie, we know." said Fred, (Right Said Fred, lolz) trying to keep his woman from subjecting herself to further embarrassment.

"Oh, and by the by, fellas, if you think the first date we're going on all together is the Yule Ball, oh-ho-ho, you are sorely mistaken. SORELY!" yelled Lydia, using repetition for emphasis. EMPHASIS. Ron put on a look of worry, sort of looking like he had a bad taste in his mouth. Fred and Harry wore similar expressions. George looked disappointed, being left out of this.

"What, you guys don't wanna go on dates with us? Just feel lucky you're not lonely loner George, who has absolutely no one in the world that finds him even remotely attractive, and he will no doubt die lonely, forever envying his brother, who everyone thinks is funnier and waaaaaay cooler!" Jackie suddenly shouted, snapping out of her daze only to insult the now manic-depressive twin of her beloved.

"Oh my god, brain blast!" Sarah stuck her index finger in the air. "We should set up a dating show for our little lonesome Georgie!" The girls looked a little too pleased with the idea, sending a chill up and down George's spine. He was doomed.

~20 minutes later, in the Gryffindor common room~

The girls had set up a couple sheets, very lazily, to separate George from the contestants. In the short time, Lydia had managed to round up a few people who she thought would just be **perfect** for George. They decided on Sarah to be the host, since she was the mastermind behind the whole shabang. Harry, Ron, Fred, Jackie, and Lydia sat themselves in front of the poor souls participating, acting as an audience.

"Alright, hello Gryffindors! Welcome to the 'Win A Sub-Par Date With A Less Cool Twin'! I'm your host, Sarah Baillon! Let's introduce our fabulous contestants! Contestant #1 enjoys Pokémon, arts and crafts, and her pet cow! Let's hear it for Conestant #1! I'm bored, who gives a shit what the other 2 contestants like, ANYWAY, let's get to the questions!" the make-shift audience uttered a few unenthusiastic claps. Except for Jackie and Lydia, who were going positively apeshit.

"Contestant #1, what do you find most important in a man?"

"Well, Sarah, I like a man with a sense of humor, and also happens to be a ginger, with a big family!" said Contestant #1, who was the girls' friend Gillian, who was a Ravenclaw. She was a ball of energy with just breathtaking hair. It was magical, the softest thing in the land. No homo. Lydia snuck around to the back of the curtain and fed Gillian the answer that would guarantee her George's heart. Gillian and George, it just sounded right.

"Fantastic, Contestant #1! Now, Contestant #2, if you were to take George on a date, where would you take him?"

"I dunno, the Great Hall for breakfast? I'ma fast eater, anyways, so if he wasn't into it, he wouldn't have to suffer that long."

"Hold on, is that a bloke?" George inquired before Sarah could respond to Contestant #2's awkward answer. It was the girls' close gay friend Tanner, a Hufflepuff. It took plenty of persuasion and a ticket to Comic-Con to get Tanner to appear on the panel.

"No questions, ginger boy! Contestant #3! How long have you known that you are a night troll?"

"I don't think that-"

"IT'S A YES OR NO QUESTION, HERMAN." Contestant #3 was the horrible Hermy-one, who was only on the "show" for a filler the girls could mess with.

"Then, I suppose, I never knew that?" she answered, quite stupidly.

"Wow, Contestant #3! You really are a dead-beat contestant!" said Sarah with a constant smile full of snark. "Alright, it's time to decide, George! Will it be the lovely Contestant #1? Or 2. Or no one else." Hermione, who had no interest in George to begin with, was still offended. Sarah didn't care.

"Well, I suppose since I'm not into blokes, I'll choose Contestant #1?" said George, to no one's surprise. Regardless, the girls whooped and hollered for their friend's victory.

"Alright, George! Meet the lovely and ever-so-gorgeous, Gilliaaaaan!" Jackie sprouted up and ripped down the curtain with no regard for anyone or anything in the room as Sarah announced the victor. "You've also won a certificate for two free Frostys!"

"What the hell is a Frosty?" asked Fred. Oh, right, Wizards. Stupid wizards.

"Oh, okay, you just won a date with Gillian. Which is still pretty great." said Sarah, who face-palmed upon hearing Fred's question. "So, Georgie, how do you feel now that you have a woman?" Sarah waited for a response and realized that George had been flirtin' it up with his new babe, Gillian.

"Awh, they so cute!" Lydia exclaimed.

"I know, they're giving me a tooth ache!" Sarah added.

"I find George ten times more attractive then Fred now!" Jackie said forgetting Fred was standing right next to him, he then gave her a look of disappointment. "I meant to say he's ten times UGLIER and HERMANISH then you!"

"My name is not HERMAN!" Hermione screamed.

"Why's Herman so sensitive?" Lydia asked. That seemed to finally get Hermione (Herman) to leave the Common Room.

"Okay, let's stop talking about Herman and talk about OUR QUADRUPLE DATE!" Sarah said excitedly. They then had stolen Gillian (their new BFF) from George to huddle about where, when, and how their date would go down. After about 10 minutes the girls had broken out of their huddle and turned towards their beloved babes.

"This is how it's gonna go down," Lydia started. "FIRST, we will all take a romantic stroll to Hogsmead, TOMORROW NIGHT. You WILL dress to the nines for this date; we like our men cleaned up and polished."

"SECOND, we will have a BEAUTIFUL picnic, that YOU ALL will make," Sarah started. "This picnic will not contain Chocolate Frogs and Burtie Bott's *cough cough* RON *cough cough*."

"Why do you say my name?" Ron asked slightly offended.

"Cause you're the only idiot who I could imagine packing that for a romantic picnic", Sarah had decided to be very blunt today.

"And LASTLY, we will then split off into our couples and YOU will have something planned special for your girlfriend. Oh and also, Fred wear a bandana," Jackie had finished their plans. The boys all chuckled at the thought of Fred in a bandana but then fear took over as they thought of all the things they were expected to do by the next day. As fear seemed to leave their faces, the girls walked over and gave each of their boys a kiss for the night. The girls had also decided in their huddle that Gill was going to sneak her stuff to their room and crash there for the rest of the year. Jackie, Lydia, Sarah, and Gill stayed up all night talking about how much they loved that Gill was their new roommate and how much she loved being there. They had then moved to the topic of what they were going to wear the next day and wondering what their men had in store for them. The night seemed endless with discussion of boys and shoes and nail polish.


End file.
